Massey Maulers

Patrick "Koozer" Johnson - A legendary player and manager of the Massey Maulers, balls the size of grapefruit, has to waddle around like a cowboy just off his horse.  Also, never put Koozer and Crusher together in the showers, you'll have nightmares!!

Stephen "The Bus" Campbell - Like a Stagecoach bus during rushhour traffic on a Friday afternoon, this is one bus that stops for nobody.  Playing at second five, he bulldozes through tackles with his shitlocker in the lead, and only his heels in view as you lie in his (enormous) wake.  Has also made the escape to Aussie and the golden beaches.

Grant "Auntie" Davis - You  know those great old aunties when you were a teen, at a party she'll be praising you, placing you up on a  pedestal then she would flop out those great big bouncy tits and embarass you in front of your mates - well that's how you would feel on the field if this old bastard stepped you with his crocky old knees, beware.   A retiree from 2008.

Taegy "TG" Jeon - Rumour has it that TG jumped ship from a Korean driftnetter on arrival in New Zealand, and due to being continually on the run from the authorities, has the speed of a slick southern bluefin tuna chasing down a skipjack, so has been placed out on the wing to do the damage.  Not sure where he is now, believe the New Zealand Immigration may have caught up and deported him!!

Gary "Scraffy" Scrafton (95)- Another member of the team that should return to the forward pack like his fellow halfback Tama, although they don't seem to want him back due to his flailing arms and legs when jumping in the lineout.  Unlike Tama, he can actually run, even if it looks like he's got a carrot stuck up his butt!! No games in 2010 as he supported his son with first 15 rugby, suspect he may be back to score his centurion mug though!!

Rob  "Braveheart" Wallace- Aye, he's a bonny wee lad is our Robbie, with a swirl of his skirt, a shake of his sporran and the wheese of his gummy lungs, he heeds the call of his fellow tribesman to repel the invading hordes - without baring his ugly arse thank god!!  Another who didn't play 2009, probably due to a life threatening bunch of stings he received!!

Adrian "Crusher" Hill - Rumour has it that he crushes more girls hearts than opposition forwards on the field, if so, he should be a shrunken, hollowed out hulk, yet he isn't....so lets crush that little rumour, plus the one that says its because the dick of the day is modelled on his that he has success with the female sex, I mean the DOD is only average, isn't it? Again, another who didn't make the 2009 season with health issues, hope things are coming right Crusher.

Andrew "Flick" Beattie (270) - 

Peter "Hori" Young (216) - Another old dog with a sly grin permanently plastered on his face, I think it could be due to the viagra kicking in, but it certainly helps to keep Hori hard on the field.  The other co-manager that somehow keeps the Maulers in line.  Hung up his boots and manager role and concentrating on training those surflifesavers, good onya Hori!

Rob "Flipper" Cooney (61) - With a nickname like flipper, you would expect to see this man surfing and skimming in the backline, and once upon a time he did, but time has taken it's toll and he is more like a manatee as he now plays off the back of the scrum, but at least he hasn't graduated to the hippos in the front row!  No games in 2010, but seen on the sideline

Phil "Piripi" London (30) - "A gin and tonic before play and tally ho chaps, I'm up for a game", Phil certainly enjoys a tough game in the centres, but is more than capable of defending his "white cliffs of dover" with cover defence that spans the park.  No games in 2010, following the family around like Scraffy methinks.