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Results


For previous years results, select here

 09 April vs Marist Blue Bellies - Win
16 April vs  Navy Water Rats - Win
30 April vs Hellensville Bulls - Win  
07 May vs Takapuna Guerillas - Win
14 May vs Takapuna Turtles - Win
21 May vs ECB C-Niles Green - Win 
11 June vs ECB C-Niles Black - Win
18 June vs Glenfield Grizzlies - Draw  
25 June vs Northcote Nobras - Loss
02 July vs North Shore Dads Army - Win
09 July vs KKK Kowboys  - Win
16 July vs  Silverdale Snails - Win
23 July vs Marist Blue Bellies - Win  
06 August vs Navy Water Rats - Loss  
13 August Presidents Rally Day vs KKK - Loss  
27 August vs Air New Zealand Jumbos - Loss
11 September vs Milwaukee Harlequins - Win


 09 April vs Marist Blue Bellies Away - Win 19 - 10
    First game of the season, last year seventeen players, this year if I had to name them all, I'll still be writing this next week. Mind you, it was good to see the newbies turning up with the required  extortion  imposed by the Mauler mafia, more about that later.  The Marist grounds were in perfect condition, the autumn rains  taking the sting out, and the sun shone down for a chance of good running rugby.
    After watching the Blue Bellies warming up for twenty minutes before the game, we knew we could be in for a hard match (personally I was tired after watching them warm up, warm ups are far too overrated)!  Despite that we were the team on fire in the first stanza, the forwards were trundling the pill up and the backs providing the usual icing on the cake.  First try came from a typical forward rumble followed by the razzle dazzle of the inside backs.  From the base of the ruck about fifteen out midfield, Jacko  stepped up to take the absent halfbacks place and passed the ball out to Nige at first.  He passed the ball out to the second, doubled around, passed the ball to the centre, doubles around then scored - not bad for an old hack showpony eh?!  Our second try came to one of our newbies Pili, a  virgin to prezzies who lost  it on his first touch of the ball (the slut, whoops sorry, you good giirrrl!l). Another rumble by our forwards to within ten metres of the line, Moses and Clarky probably in the middle of it somewhere we got quick ball out to our second Pili who crashed through the opposition to score.    The Marist boys then came back at us, rattling a couple of tries on to bring it within a few points at halftime, a good try going to their fullback, who would have got oppposition POD if he had hung around post match.  I think he stepped nearly every back during the match, including at least four touches in a row which the ref didn't pull up in the second half, though Choppers remark about being nineteen was a tad harsh, he would have been at least twenty five!
    Second half was tough and uncompromising from both teams, the score staying far too close for either team, making the refs job that much harder as thirty refs (plus the other thirty on the sideline)  made sure their voice and bias showed through.  The only try came to us halfway through the second, a blindside move had halted five from the Marist line with a penalty handed out to us.  Billy (?) quickly passed to Nige who drew then passed to Big Mike taking up the second fives position, who crashed over and through the first, second, centre and probably fullback to score.  The only other points to note in the second were the dubious tackle of Carbs, no yellow card, but the poor bastard picked up on his shoulders and dumped from six feet probably wasn't that happy and the less than satisfactory kicking of Jase, Billy and PC when aiming for out...probably should get some lessons from myself, as my kicks to the sideline are always outstanding.....
    Game over, 33 of us shook the arms off the Marist boys then headed to bullshit alley, the changing sheds, where the newbies piss kept us in our uniform and out of the clubrooms for presentations far too long!!

Dick of the Day -  Scotty, not sure he deserves this as I remember his newbie shout tasted as good as those supplied by the sponsor, but having to be reminded by the missus to pick said shout up just prior to the game made him a target for DOD, and it did look good wrapped around his neck (THE DICK THAT IS - his missus wasn't to bad either, can't understand why he wouldn't introduce us to her in the changing sheds)!

Player of the Day - Rumour has it, a no drinking, no eating, no talking and possibly no sex respite at some retreat has turned Big Mike into a mean lean fighting machine, whatever  the truth is, Big Mike was on fire (some of you forwards could learn something from that eh, especially the no talking, drinking, eating bit, cos there ain't no sex for you ugly mugs)!!

 16 April vs  Navy Water Rats Home - Win 59 - 27
    She was looking decidedly wet in the morning, our very own dick of the day was hesitating on playing, but as usual the sun followed me to the game from out  norwest.  We were allowed into the hallowed  no.1 changing rooms and allowed a gallop on no.1 field, it's good to be us!!
    Unfortunately for Navy, they hadn't travelled too well and were missing a few players, but just like last week, we had more than enough subs to provide support (another 30 something again).  I wasn't sure that putting all the newbies into the opposition jersey was a good idea, especially seeing the thighs on Sam, they were as huge as Ingas.  He proved to be good, as he was quickly returned to the fold at halftime...not before he got a good viewing of Choppas forearm tattoos though!!  Many tries were to be scored, too many for me to describe.  First up were to Billy and Nige, then a little cameo from Doug, first touch of a presidents ball, he ran off the scrum doing the infamous 89 move with Carbs, grubber the ball down the sideline from about forty out.  Ace had his turbos on and he picked up the ball about twenty out, with the cover about to mow him down, inpass to Doug following up, trytime.  Piggy's was to be next as Jacko found himself in extreme danger amongst the navy /mauler forwards.  He quickly got rid of the ball at his feet, and Piggy picked up from about twenty out, did a little pirouette amongst the opposition to find everything opening out in front of him. A return to his former winger days allowed him to outpace the opposition.  Jezza and Choppa finished off the scoring in the first half, with one try going to the Navy during the  half, although those closest to play complained of a knockon.
  Second half turned out to be a little more even in the scoring, though most of the navy tries were scored by our boys.  Most notably during a period where we didn't work out we had a centre missing for about ten minutes!!  Pele had swapped over to the opposition while we weren't looking, probably on purpose as he did score an intercept try.  Most notable try in this period went to Sumo, who was bragging about it from twenty out before he even scored, but both Anvil and BJ were to score also, the final to BJ.  Off to the number 1 for a few quieties and a warmdown in the mighty Capones bar, bring on the Blues (and the taniwhas) at Eden Park tonight!!


Dick of the Day -  Doug, who not only "forgot" his tray of piss for his first game, but had the temerity to text one of the boys to find out whether the Maulers played in the rain!!

Player of the Day - He was gangbusters all day, scoring trys and showing the opposition his forearm tattoos when on defence, our very own Choppa!!

 30 April vs Hellensville Bulls Away - Win 34 - 19
    Last minute venue change had us heading out to Hellensville rather than Kaukapakapa, but this did not faze the boys, big numbers turned up despite the late night put in as the boys celebrated "that wedding" along with their partners, eh.  Yes the changing rooms  were heaving as thirty burly blokes raved on about "that dress", the most fashionable fascinator and whether Pippa was hotter than her sister (she was)!  Once the small talk was over, it was time for our captain Shrek to get the minds focussed, as last year the Bulls gave us a wee hiding in our final match against them.  Boys fired up, out to the field of dreams we go.
    The start  was a shambles as Pagey and the prop inside him did the you/me call for a mishit kickoff, so the Bulls snaffled it, but we soon were back in control, scoring our first of many tries after about five minutes to Carbs running inside of Billy who had broken the line.  We scored a few more times before the second half ended, a charge down by Pele allowing  big Stu to reach for the bouncing ball and brush through the defence to score.  I think BJ got a ball out wide from Jez to run over the line from about twenty out and somewhere in there Choppa scored, with speed and fend involved, but the memory is fading in my old age!
  Second half had the Bulls only two tries down on us and ready to attack from their fast backline at every opportunity like last year, fortunately our two newbies, Pele and Sam were on defensive fire as they hit the opposition centres with all their weight.  Made me cringe from where I was standing that's for sure, and bought them both opposition player of the day.  We weren't able to suppress the Bulls so the game was tighter than expected throughout, a blown chance by Mike as he dived for the line and spilt the ball didn't help, especially as two of the first half tries to the Bulls came from his hands  as he played in their colours!!  Believe one try was through a Choppa hit as well, much to Choppa's disgust!  I was eventually to touch down after a blindside attack from about forty out, Billy passed the ball onto myself, I drew their winger and passed around his tackle to Anvil who set sail for the line.  The cover reached him about ten out but he was able to stand and deliver the pass to me following up. We scored another try to make it safe then poured ourselves into the changing rooms to celebrate Matty's 250th game (and the wedding of Wills and Kate of course).

Dick(s) of the Day -  The Hoons and the Carbines were joint winners after a crazy post rugby practise evening.  The Hoons had brought their gin palace up from down south to spend the easter weekend out on the water, except they and carbs decided to start the fishing expedition around about midnight, without rabbiting on like BJ, lets say they had to find fuel, had to vandalise the gate to the marina ramp, had to swim for the boat after failing to tie it down after launch and Captain Hoon allowed Carbs to drive the boat out of the marina cause he knew it like the back of his hand, and spent the next six hours parked high and dry on a mudbank!!

Player of the Day - The Kaumatua of the team, 250 games and he still  carts the ball around like a teenager, the infamous Matty Oakes!!

 07 May vs Takapuna Guerillas Home - Win 31 - 7
    Great day for rugby at Moire.  Number one field, sun streaming down, ground not too hard or too soft, but some splitters decided shooting ducks and chasing big fish at the three kings was more important leaving us a few players short, I mean, three players short of thirty means we don't all get to have subs, whats up with that!!
    Anyway, under the cool gaze of our ref Sumo, the game started and the pace was frantic throughout the game.  A miskick from the Geurilla first had the ball heading down into Camels safe hands just out side the 22, of course he spilt it forward to the oncoming opposition.  A hack of the ball sent it flying in m,y direction, and Sumo called advantage over, which may have been a little premature as I was able to step and run the ball back to the forwards on the 22.  Quick ball out to Nige found him in open space, and despite the hammy pull sustained during the warmujp, he ran through and across the line under the post. We pretty much stayed camped down in the Guerrilla half and this lead to a typical crash try to Pele playing at second.  The final try of the half (I think) went to Sam.  A great solo, receiving the ball from broken play around the 45m mark, he crashed through, shrugged, stepped and smashed his way up the field leaving broken Guerrillas in his wake, as Jez remarked, the divots he left behind as he powered up the field swallowed the defence in his wake, finally scoring under the posts.
    The second half was a little messy with lots of spilled ball.  The opposition managed to score a good try out wide, which was converted by their captain, Sumo owes him a tenner for that I believe!!  We managed to score again with Pele going across with a wee leg trip dropping him just before the line, he managed to roll and crawl across in time.  Believe the lead up to this try came from a big bust by Sooley, who was fired up after a comment from the opposition that he overheard.  One of the opposition picking out who he was defending, let everyone know he was marking the old fella, our very own Sooley!  Last try came not a moment too soon as we were all feeling in oxygen debt, the Hoon crashed through from about twenty out...hey Sumo, blow the bloody whistle!

Dick of the Day -  Tis written in the AGM minutes, "I will supply the Maulettes gameday vino's", yet they have had more than a few dry games, and you do not upset the better halves without some ramifications, so BJ, a dick well deserved!

Player of the Day -  Scotty "zipzap" Masters who carted the ball up all game long
14 May vs Takapuna Turtles Away - Win 20 - 10
    Who would have thought that  the skinny little bugger that turned up for the first game of the season against the Turtles back in 2006 would be making his 100th for the mighty Massey Maulers today! I played that first game in the opposition strip, as all newbies do when the opposition is short, and had to face the hippo's that show no mercy even if you're in their team...then three games later getting possibly the worst nickname ever to be heard on the sidelines thanks to that dirty little pirate Tattoo, which shall be mentioned just once on this fine site.....xxxx!!! (don't blink, this will be gone by next week).  Despite the above, and the subsequent hits and injuries suffered as one does through the seasons, it's all been bloody awesome to make the ranks of the Centurions....shit it's good to be us!!
    As to the game, it was a little fuzzy to remember, possibly due to a little too much alcohol participation including the prematch port which there were a few complaints about during the game, especially the burps and farts in the front row.  It took some time for us to make the tryline despite being in the turtles half for the majority of the first half.  Our first try came initially from great defence midfield when the opposition claimed the ball from ruck.  Believe their centre tried to step inside Becks and another forward who were caught in the backline.  They smashed him to the ground then stole the ball.  From subsequent play, Nige broke though the backline and held up the last man to pass to Pagey outside...he could have given the ball to me as a little present but after 300+ games, why give up another dot down!  The tries get real hazy now as my memory declines, but Pele and Jason both scored, probably from miles out after great initial drives by the forwards and some scintillating manouvres by the backs.  Our final try came from typical mauler drives from a lineout ten out with Carbs picking up off the back of the ruck to rumble through the opposition to score.  Turtles scored on fulltime, Sumo blew his whistle (yet again) and sent us off to the showers.  From here on the night goes stupid as we celebrate not only my hundred but also Billies fiftieth, Becks plies me with too much Bourbon, but does look after me afterwards thankfully.  And somehow I end up at the mighty Huapai pub later that night thanks to dial a driver!!

Dick of the Day -  Can't remember, I was way gone by now

Player of the Day - Must have been me as I found a bottle of wine in my jacket pocket (100 games....woop, woop!!

21 May vs ECB C-Niles Green Home - Win 19 - 5
The following match report was provided by BJ (with a little spelling and grammar editing as BJ went to high school to eat his lunch), a little beauty it is to!!

    It was with great anticipation that we arrived at Moire Park (field of dreams for some) with the weather gods willing to put on an outstanding afternoon and with the prospect of a footy show to match. Our girls were there in force, as is normal these days and with plenty of supplies to see them through the afternoon. This was to be the start of the big games for the Mighty Massey Maulers & it was good to see the Bays turn up with  numbers to mount a serious challenge. Unforturnatley for us we had a few guys who are out injured or were away which only gave us a playing squad of 28 for the day but the boys were up for a good one.
    From the kick off it was all on with both sets of forwards falling all over themselves to secure the pill but it was  Bays having a slight edge in possession enabling them  to mount a few back line attacks all of which were repelled. It did not take to long for the Maulers machine to start cranking up the field, allowing Nigel to do what he does best,  creating havoc with the Bays defence, slicing through what seemed like most of the Bays team to present big Jezza with the final pass to score under the bar, but it was not to be.  The Big fella, who very rarely makes a mistake, grassing the ball (something about having something slippery on his hands was mentioned, oh well, first candidate for the dick sorted). From then on we attacked hard but slowly gave up ground and it was Bays that came up with a snorter of a try with a nice move through there threatening backline setting up the centre to carve our midfield with the perfect angled run, 5 nil to Bays.  If some of the boys weren't fired up at the start they were now, up field we went  and with a sustained period of attack Nigel & Swipe set up "not so big" Mike to crash over with the cream coming from PC 5-7.  With the forwards getting some traction it was the Maulers to strike again with the human wrecking ball Soolie smashing his way up field to set up PC for the run to the line 5-12 and the machine was starting to purrrrr.  From there Bays picked up their skirts & got onto the front foot with their forwards seeming to be better at cheating than our guys, especially that annoying head geared loose fwd who was constantly grovelling, kicking & scratching at the pill to gain some good turnover pill (it was later found out he was from Aussie and that was the  reason his Yarppy team mates gave him there Dick of the Day, I'm starting to warm to those Yarppys).  With all that pill the Bays 1st 5 started to make his mark on the game running up to the line & feeding his support but luckily we managed to hold them out for the rest of the half.  There were several other memorable moments with Thayne breaking tackles to set up a few plays & one of our best,  Billy breaking up field & with the defence in taters, managed to pull off a copy book tackle on himself.  The main gist of the half time  lecture from Captain Clarkey was to shut down the 1st 5 & for our low numbered players to blow their forwards (I would like to say I am glad I play in the backs when your leader gives instructions like that ).
    With renewed vigour both sides set about to get the upper hand & I am happy to say with Clarkeys instructions ringing in their ears Billy, Swipe, Puss, Duck & Choppa who was keen to give anyone in green & black a close up of his forearm tats started to reduce the main danger into a shadow of his first half menace. Every time in got the pill he was totally harassed to the point where I am sure he would like to have laid charges with the cops.  It was beautiful to watch and the end result was a great charge down try  from the hard working Puss who did well to get back on the park after attempting a technically incorrect tackle on a  5  foot woolly haired version of a Sherman tank leaving him on the ground making a funny groaning noise & eyes spinning like a pokey machine jack potting in Vegas.  It was good to see Sumo back in his playing kit & making his mark without sticking his hand in the air or marching us 10 just cause he was being given some advice on the finer points of the breakdown rule.  Well done to Stu to give up his game to take on the 30 & sometimes 40 other ref's, your interpretation of the quick tap penalty rule & attention to detail of where this mysterious mark is located was spot on. Good game of rugger giving us a 19-5   4 all draw over the old foe.  Footy over & off to the sheds to get on with the Game

 Dick of the Day - What a selection for this week. Jacko not in team after match gear, small change compared to Puss who was on the quarts for the Lion Red  but turned up empty then when doing a late save from the Club Bar came in & handed one to the only DB drinker (must have still been a bit dazed after the tackle incident) Jezza for slippery hands (you know what I'm talking about Jezz) But the Winner goes to our fight starting, stomp on your hand if it's somewhere near the ball loose forward Spanky. His crime was to turn up at a good mates non fancy dress birthday wearing woman's clothing with shoes to match, but not satisfied with his outfit headed off home to change into a new selection of women's kit then was found sound asleep in a unlocked house surrounded by kids (I wonder if Clarkey was making eye contact with Spanky when he gave the  half time instructions cause I think he could be the one who would enjoy following them)

 Player of the Day - Soolie who always take it up at full throttle  week after week (I sure am glad your on our side Soolie)


11 June vs ECB C-Niles Black  Away - Win 22 - 12
    With  a bye and Queens Birthday providing the boys with a two week break, how well the maulers had trained and maintained their fitness was going to be tested.  Fortunately, there were two teams to provide a big subbing plan, so energy levels were likely to remain high and as usual the sideline support was out to barrack us on.  It had been raining heavily during the week, but the Windsor Park number two was in good order if a little slippery on top (no good for touch shoes, eh Pele).  For a while there, we were looking like we were about to play in skins as the jerseys hadn't turned up. With five to go, Stu came to the rescue, so the Blue, red, white and gold was pulled on and out to the fields we romped.
    It was a slow start by the team and the opposition were keen to pounce on any loose ball.    We managed to score in the first half, a blinder by Moose apparently, except I was blinded at the time and don't remember it so expect a good description of it by Moose himself!!  But with our inability to take a lineout ball and a bad case of handing the ball over soon after attacking we found ourselves missing tackles and letting the Seniles backs in.  We found ourselves short in defence out in the backs and two tries were scored by ECB leaving us a little shy of the lead at halftime.  A final drive by the pack with a near miss try by Andy who had to stretch his very long frame for the line to see the ball spill out  (all the usual excuses, slippery ball, stray boot, blind ref...you bloody dropped it) was an indication on how the second half should be played.
    The halftime talk from Shrek was a tirade of abuse from a now red faced captain, the lineouts were shite, the tackles were powder puff, no committment to the loose ball, travelling too high into the tackle, the list was endless.  From now on we were to smash the opposition, keep the ball tight and kick the ball into the corners...go forward ball at all times,  and his final request from a now rabid captain was that we are to "Pack as a Hunt".....WTF!!  Of course it took a back (Billy) to translate it properly for us "Hunt as a Pack".  El capitaine agreeing with Billy's translation then repeated his pack as a hunt  request, by now the boys were starting to giggle like little schoolgirls, then a quip from a forward no doubt, replaced hunt with something more sleazy associated with a females anatomy, and the boys broke off as usual from the halftime huddle with their humour restored.
    That halftime talk did us wonders as the forwards went into smash and grab mode, the lineouts started to function properly and the scrums from the opposition went backwards.  Our back defense was still a bit flakey but some great covering defence somehow stemmed the flow.  How Scotty " Zipzap" Masters ended a run from the opposition was a prime example. The opposition centre was given a well timed pass with no one in front.  He was concentrating on his right but flying in on his left  was zipzap (how he ended up on the wing from his side of the scrum position is open to debate), obviously the barcode was printed on the centres neck cause that was where zipzap made the hit, bringing the move to a head snapping stop, we'll take the penalty anyday approach.  First try went to BJ in the second, a kick through had Stu bearing down on the scrambling defence of the fullback who was trying to grab at the ball, a dubious "competing for the ball" shoulder charge from Stu (only have to convince the ref eh) had the fullback backpeddling leaving the ball lying about for BJ to pounce on and score close to the posts.  The opposition lost a player to a yellow card in this half when he had the temerity to lift our 120+ kg second five Soolie over the horizontal and slammed him to the ground... how do you support a 120kg rhino as well as lowering him gently to the turf?  The next try was a great scrum from the boys on the opposition put in.  We drove them off the ball with Stu picking up at the base of the scrum and powering over from five out.  Our final try went to Carbs after continuous drives and pick and goes from the forwards resulted in the big unit flopping over the line from about five out.  We managed to hold out the opposition from our line in the final minutes to end a great come from behind win to the boys.

Dick of the Day -  Wasn't at the aftermatch awards but suspect  Brendon "Shrek" Clark would have been high on the DOD scoreboard as he was fingered for the late arrival of the jerseys and he had form....he left his junior teams uniform behind earlier that day!!

Player of the Day - I would give it to Stu "Petrolhead" Taylor as he was on a comeback and his form was pretty good for a "soon to be official" 50 yr old fella, covering in defense and driving it up the guts on offence, but I'm sure a well deserved POD was selected by management....late news, the Hoon received the coveted prize!!

 18 June vs Glenfield Grizzlies Home - Draw 17 all
    This was the first of what we term the really "big" games based on past years experience, the Grizzlies have been building up a good team spirit and is starting to show it on the field.  With a team that you can't work out the difference in size between their backs and forwards, all huge, it was going to take some effort from our boys to get to grips with them.  With the sun breaking through the morning showers, the turnout was good again with another team lining up on the sideline, not always the case when playing the Grizzlies.
    She turned out to be a bit of an armwrestle from the kickoff, but we were to score the first try after the forwards quickly recycled the ball from a bust up the centre from Sam finishing about fifteen out.  Quick ball to Nige found Chopper pounding down on his left, a quick pass had the two opposition centres staring at each other as the butcher cleaved a hole between them to score.  The Grizzlies then started to get there positional play working, trying to pin us in the corners with their kicks, fortunately my kicks in reply were on song, making the sideline on the bounce and in front of me for a change much to boys disbelief.  But I must make a confession, my first kick to the sideline came after kickoff from our try and it didn't make the sideline and  I didn't make the covering tackle to try and make up and they did score not long after it....but yeah, my kicking did improve after that.  The Grizzlies were to score another try before halftime, but Hoon replied with his own after Nige ran the ball right to the line.   The forwards all rushed into the ruck and the ball sat on the edge waiting for someone to pounce and that someone was the hoon who had to get the ball to travel about twice the length of our DOD prize to score (not the fifty metres he would like us to believe)!  The Grizzlies came close to scoring another as the only back in their side that was of a "normal" size ie less than 95kg  (now known as "the SWG - skinny white guy") was a bit of a flyer, leaving all our backs for dead as he chased down a fly kick.  Fortunately SWG's  don't fly as the high bouncing ball eluded his grasp with the line beckoning.  From now on, our backs decided the SWG deserved to have a target painted on him for the second half.
    The Grizzlies scored first in the second half and it took us most of that half to score ourselves.  Our lineouts weren't always operating that well but our scrums were starting to hurt the opposition, to the point that they pulled the pin late in the second to go uncontested.  Chopper was to score again doing pretty much a repeat of his first try, his speed and acceleration leaving two defenders grasping air as he passed between them to score (mind you, after defending my eardrums from  Trace's tirade from the sideline, I now can see why you know how to accelerate so fast, man has she got a set of lungs. We've got to get her into some shorts and boots next week fellas, with her passion she'll be unstoppable)!  With the score now tied all we needed was a kicker to stand up and plug a gamewinning goal, sorry PC, but you did not turn out to be the messiah that we required...how did you explain that kick to your daughter?  Game finally ended with the Grizzlies on attack but we managed to keep them at bay.  As to the SWG, did we get him.  The answer is yes and no, believe Nige got him to cough a little on impact, but it was Pele who really knocked the stuffing out of him, even I heard that hit...problem is Pele, if you hammer a guy you need to be the first one back on your feet.  The attempt you made to get up ended with your face planted on the ground as you didn't know which way was up.  Then the two guys who had to support you from the field as the SWG made his way slowly back to his position sort of made your effort at targeting him irrelevant, one nil to the SWG, yeahhhh (not that I'm biased)!!


Dick of the Day -  Moose, who let his mate know he'll be turning up to his fiftieth after the game, problem was the fiftieth was last week!!

Player of the Day -  To show we hold no grudges, PC got the POD for his versatility, playing centre, second, first then dodging the position he was selected for at the beginning of the game, halfback to slot a few minutes in at no.8.

 25June vs  Northcote Nobras Away - Loss 7 - 12
    OK, I admit it has taken a while to write up this game, Maulers ain't too keen on "bad " draws.  In fact, it took a "most excellent" draw in our next game to motivate me to write up the match report for this week, but we have got to take our medicine, and unfortunately it was the Nobras administering it!!  They continue to be one of our bogey teams, and along with the Freyburg No.3 being our bogey field we probably wished we didn't walk out on the field of green that day!
    A tough game it was, and PC had the even tougher job of reffing it, but he put up a good showing despite the 30 other refs on the field.  The Nobras were very keen to test us out in the backs and that was where they broke us to take a 12 point lead midway through the first half.  Running the ball wide opened up an overlap out on the wing, to score from inside when the cover was gone.  Then a straight break up midfield allowed a second try.  We  replied with our own towards the end of the half, an inpass from Nige to Chopper had him crashing about fifteen out.  Ball recycles out to the left with Jase? crashing inches from the line.  One of the BFB's was hanging close by, pick up and shove for the line.  Emerging from the pile up with ball in hand was big Mike, another try in the bag!  Lardro, five out from the sideline, calmly slotted it between the posts to give us some hope for the second half.
    The second half was a huge arm wrestle  with neither team getting a point in, but I have got too admit that we were lucky to end up with a close end score cause the Nobras blew two or three tries in this half.  It was only a forward pass or dropped ball near the sideline that prevented a blowout to them.  So that was our first loss this season, no more to say!

Dick of the Day -  Pass, wasn't there

Player of the Day -  Ditto

 02 July vs  North Shore Dads Army Home - Win 63 - 31
    It was a beaut day, sun streaming down, light and cool breeze.  Made my way early to Moire Park to see the under 21's in action and to carbo load up on a clubroom fishburger washed down with a wee Heineken....bliss!  Dads Army were a liitle short and we were not....but it still took a while to cajole a couple of players across to play with the opposition, good onya Thayne and Ace!!
    She turned out to be a bit of a tryfest, as the non contested scrums and the dry conditions with real ref in charge opened up play.  My memory stick is little 4 giga, so here's  my  version of events....first try went to Choppa ranging out wide on the wing where he received the ball about forty out.  Unfortunately for Ace, he was the first one up on defence for the Army, Choppa fended him off and set sail for the line leaving other Army boys floundering in his wake.  Despite the fend, Ace was able to come back at Choppa to tackle him before the line...the ref awarding Choppa a try in the corner, Aces version was that it was a double movement...good try Ace!!  Next was a great solo from Nige, the ball was lollypopped to him from the base of a ruck by Billy... this was due to a couple of forwards trying to bugger up the backline play by standing in the first five position!!  Nige quickly passed to a crashing Pele, doubling around to take the pass then set sail for the line 30 out dummying, stepping and bamboozling the defence to touch down under the post untouched.  I think mine was the next from a ruck forty out, a feeble pass from the second (was that you BJ) had the ball bouncing past the centre to me.  I only had time to turn and pick up before the opposition hit me, but was able to twist, turn and step out of the tackle to race towards their line.  Dummied the winger, then heard the footsteps of the opposition centre catching up to me, fortunately I hadn't taken up the chance of a second Heineken for lunch so had enough strength in me to put a massive on the run fend to the "Robbie Fruen" sized centre to propel me the final ten metres to the tryline.  From here on the memory is a little hazy but believe this is how it happened minus a few tries that the management will have saved to hard drive no doubt.  What I do remember is that the opposition did score a few great tries themselves, but after every one of theirs, we would reply with one or two of our own.   There was only one episode of bitchslapping that I remember, the ref kept everything under good control, the only two he didn't was our very own ref Sumo, who used one of the opposition as a brake when chasing a chip kick that he had the audacity to execute (what's up with that...hookers are supposed to die with the ball, not chip kick it)!  The guy he used as a brake claimed to be a ref and saw Sumo's action to be illegal, which got the typical response from a front row forward when confronted, handbags at ten yards!
  Second half saw more tries scored, Hoon in the corner, Billy out wide with huge overlaps and Andy had his first from a great run out to the sideline by Duck, handing the ball to an unopposed Andy who sauntered down the sideline to score.  I think Choppa scored another and our 50th birthday boy Doug had a prime chance to score when Jase broke through the opposition from about forty five out. With only the fullback left he passed infield to Doug with 25 to go.  Twenty five very long yards it turned out to be as his halftime drinks break of half a bottle of red with the chicks caught up to him as he was reeled in within ten metres by the slowmotion opposition.  Memories of this half include a certain huge christian dude terrorising the opposition from penalties as he rumbled down field, with both our opposition players, Thayne and Ace deciding to leave the defence of said christian to the Army boys!!  Good draw to us, fiftieth birthday for a couple of the lads tonight...Rockstar theme, the party will never end!!
   
Dick of the Day -  Doug Third, who enjoys breaching all our mauler etiquettes, unsure which one this was!

Player of the Day - PC, a fellow centurion today!!

P.S. Just so the tryscorers don't feel left out without  their names in light, tryscorers in order of  touchdown as follows: Choppa, Nige, Mo, Pele, R.....oger, Ace, Billy, Hoon, Choppa, Andy

 09 July vs  Kaukapakapa Kowboys Away - Win 26 - 10
    The following commentary may not truly reflect the views of the participants, accuracy has been retained as best as could be attained, viewer descretion required, swearwords in abundance.

Grant Nisbet:  Well Murray, it looks like the weather has cleared and the grounds at Sinclair Park are in great nick for a game of Rugby?
Murray Mexted: Yes there Nisbo, we're out in the sticks of Auckland about to see a great match between two teams that are prime beef on show....I'm beginning to feel a tingle in my loins with the anticipation.  Their sideline support looks damn fine also, a few lovely looking fillies out there!!
Grant Nisbet:  Thanks Murray, well the kickoff is about to start, and I see they have given control of the match this week to the number 1 Presidents referee  Grant "Sumo" Castle.
Murray Mexted:  There needs to be great control out there, with those thirty refs backing up his every decision,  I'm prepared to back him up also, he's a fine looking man.

Grant Nisbet:  That was a well worked try, developed off the back of the lineout with Nige "showpony" Clemas finishing it off close to the posts.
Murray Mexted:  Poetry in motion Nisbo, with the tall timber at the back of lineout snaffling the ball,  quick pass to Steve Becks who charged towards the line and the perfect offload to a fast moving back ....great to see the Maulers carrying out their FTB game plan, that is "Feed The Backs"  gameplan.
Graeme Loe:  That's not the gameplan practised by the Maulers, FTB means "Fuck the Backs" I believe.
Stu "Petrolhead" Taylor:  I concur

Grant Nisbet:  A quick tap, ten out with the KKK defence trying to back up in defence but unable to hold out that hard running blindside flanker  Neil "Choppa" Fenton.
Murray Mexted:  Its always great to see a flanker run the ball straight up the guts, breaking through tackles...the opposition were like blind men in a brothel, left groping at thin air.  And the icing on the cake is the placekicking of their great Sri Lankan goalkicker Lardro, he obviously gained a lot of confidence in his first conversion and has slotted another into a strong wind.
Dean "Lardro" Rehua:  Yep, my boots are on fire Murray and my aim is good.
Murray Mexted: Nice arse....

Grant Nisbet:  A great move by the Maulers from a scrum about fifteen out has lead to a try to  their first five Nige.
Murray Mexted:  A classic 89 move, no doubt practised relentlessly on the training grounds at Moire park, homeground of the Maulers.  A great dummy move from Billy  "the kid"  Meehan who went open at halfback drawing the scrum defence.  With Nige running from open to blind, the No.8 Brett "Carbs" Carbine picked up the ball at the back of the scrum and passing to the flying first five who dotted down untouched close to the sideline...poetry in motion Nisbo.

Grant Nisbet:  Time is almost up, the ref seems to have it in for the opposition as he continually blows his whistle for misdemeanors.
Murray Mexted:  The ref Sumo is picking up some very technical mistakes by the opposition at the breakdown, as they try to slow the game down.
Grant Nisbet: Yes, and the backs are looking a little frustrated, with overlaps out wide the forwards seem to be ignoring them with tryline fever in their eyes.
Graeme Loe:  That would be the FTB gameplan in action.
Stu "Doh" Taylor:  I concur.
Murray Mexted: There he blows...Carbs has bulldozed through the opposition too score in a tangle of legs arms and arses, a try that reminds me of my younger days.  What do you think of that try Loey....Richard are you there....hey can you get Richard to contribute a little, I'd appreciate it....
Richard Loe: Are you feeling left alone Mex.
Murray Mexted:  Have you lost your tongue mate.
Richard Loe: You know Murray, it's very hard to get a word in edgewise with you, you know that.
Murray Mexted: So what do you want me to do...shutup
Richard Loe: Ohhh, I'm only speaking for the rest of the country!!
Stu "Doh" Taylor: I concur.
Murray Mexted: Fuck you!!

(inspired by the following Utube hit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7v3Z1rOebE&NR=1)


Dick of the Day -  He got away with it last week, but it came back to haunt him this week, looking for a fancy dress for the fiftieth in the lube section of Eros sex shop is a little suspect, so DOD goes to Andy this week

Player of the Day -  A great game from the big fella after a long break from the game, Becks was at his roving and blockbusting best today

 16 July vs  Silverdale Snails Home - Win 20 something to a few
    Bloody horrible day with lots of wet and a cold wind, but the boys turned out in enough numbers, and lent a few players to the Snails to get the game underway, with Stu donning the refs gear before a real one turned up to provide proper direction (thanks Brownie).
    It was Ducks big day out with one hundred games, and he went about the field running like an energiser bunny belying his rather senior age and took on the opposition forward pack!!  He looked like he had been through a few rounds with a heavyweight boxer by the end, but that big smile was still plastered on his face after another great game.  If my memory serves me right the first try went to Choppa (who else) when he sat on Niges shoulder at first five, Nige got his hands around the initial defender and offloaded a short ball to Choppa about fifteen out who was untouched to the tryline.  Peles came from an opposition attack, the Snails were looking good until Thayne got involved in their backline (he was playing for the Snails).  They had broken into our half and their backline was on a roll till Thayne passed the ball over to Pele who then ran the sixty metres to score untouched!!  Choppa scored another typical try from him, receiving the ball in the first five position about thirty out, he charged at the two defenders in front of him. They dropped him but didn't hold and he was able to get to his feet twist through the next would be tackler then from about ten out carry two defenders on his back to score by the posts.  Another try to someone and a few to the Snails whose backline looked pretty handy.  The Pig was enjoying stirring up Pagey, not allowing him to pounce from loosie by keeping a firm policemans hand on him at scrum time.  Billy wasn't holding back at tackle time when defending for the Snails, taking great delight in chopping some of his Mauler team mates down with the ball.  So after a wet and cold game off to the warm showers and cold beer in the clubrooms,

Dick of the Day -  Pass

Player of the Day - Mr Masters I presume!!

23 July vs Marist Blue Bellies Home - Win 24 - 17

Thanks to BJ, we have the following match report as I was up North watching the mighty Hokianga team take out the Taniwha shield for Primary School supremacy in the North, they last won it in 1949, so it was  a(nother) day off in the Hokianga, yeeahhh!!

  I arrived at Moire park with the predicted bad weather nowhere to be seen then got the great news that we were to play on field 2 instead of the mud wrecked field 4. A very happy back I was as the normal call for a muddy field is FTB (F...The Backs.)  My moment of happiness did not last  long when I walked into our small shed to see plenty of spare seats then had a look down the tunnel to see Catholics overflowing from there shed , this is a rare site at our fortress like home as most teams hate the trip out west. Was this going to be our Armageddon?    With the team named with quite a few, all the way through's in the forwards it was off to battle we went. The Bellies had come to play and had the game going at  frenetic pace with committed forward plays & good endeavour from there pacey lean looking backs but it was a credit to our guys that we kept them from crossing our line.
    We finely broke out of our half with some hard won pill for Nigel to break them open as he often does but just missed on the link up with our support, but not to worry a few minutes latter Becky & Nigel combined  for Nigel to score.5-0 .We were starting to get into the game at this point but then the bellies 1st five showed some great skill to open us up from long range to give them there opening points. 5-7 (Was that really 2 dumby,s he sold on his way to the line????)  Our response was swift, winning ball from the kick off, a few crash balls from the midfield then Nigel  put Choppa into space with 35m to go & only 5 or 6 to beat ,at this point my first though was to head back to half way for the kick off but then decided to follow Choppa up the field to get a close up of  him scoring yet another outstanding try. 12 -7.  From the kick off we got back into their half & seemed to have everything under control until a clearing kick from them did not go out, Jason put in a return kick to keep them in their half but one of the Catholics got what must have been the hand of God  to the kick, which confused most of our guys as to whether they were on side or not, the net result was another long range try to the Bellies 12-12, from then on the Bellies ripped into us faster & harder than a priest onto a choir boy using there Kava powered Fijian bowling ball to skittle players at will & giving them the momentum to crash over on the half time whistle 12-17.
    From the second half kick off the gamed turned into a real arm wrestle with good hard play from both teams & with a rising injury rate (Sumo, Choppa,Soolie & Moose) it came down to the courageous  few to carry the way forward. With less than 10 minutes to play we attacked from midfield scrum,Jason moving the ball to big Jezza who crashed up field taking 3 of the catholic with him before off loading to  Jason who then sent out a long high ball to myself  who then went about jugglingthe pill which seemed to put there defenders off when I finally got the ball under control I managed to put a good fend on the cover who also gave me a helping push in the right direction and stagger the last few meters to the line, Jason calmly slotted the kick (you beauty) 19-17. From that point on it was all high drama, a bit of bifo, a large amount of guts & then some great skill from Nigel (who was voted Opposition POD) to set up Slipper who had a go at  juggling  also before scoring a ripper of a try in the corner. 24-17. We finished the game with next to no forward reserves & only a couple of fit backs, it was one of those days where you think to yourself, this is why we play. Everyone of our boys played a part

Dick of the day  - Piggy  for pocketing beers & other treasures at the Eden park clean up (his first time with the Dick since he joined the Maulers would have been a good enough reason)
 
Player of the Day - BJ

06 August vs Navy Water Rats Away - Loss 10 - 21
    With no play allowed on Ngataringa fields due to the Armed Forces about to beat each other up in their annual Services tournament it was off to the North Shore grounds at Vauxhall to do battle out on one of the backfields.  Tattoo (the splitter) Taka under 21's were out playing their North Shore counterparts, his result was to be a forerunner to our own this day!
    Navy did turn up with just enough this time, and they were to put on a much better display than in their previous game.  Their second five with speed to burn and the ability to move his centre into space with cuts and dummies meant the pussers were two tries up before we knew the female ref had called play!!  From here on in it was to be an uphill battle, our first try came eventually after gaining territory.  The try coming from set play with Pele receiving the ball from Nige about twenty out, he managed to step around his opposite and draw the winger.  A perfect pass in front to myself allowed for an easy stroll to the tryline, but we couldn't convert.
    We were first to score in the second half with a steal of their lineout ball about ten out.  A rumble upfield with Stu bursting off the back to barge through the opposition to score, but no conversion again.  With one try required we felt we had a chance, but the Navy boys planted the ball down in our half.  We couldn't work our way out of a paper bag let alone out of that corner of the field.  With time up and an attempt to make a full field raid the Navy defence knew how to close us down and hit Pele as he received the ball with a great "smashed 'em bro" for their flanker to pick up and moonwalk all the way to the line.  The ref who had shown enough balls to put up with the continual prezzy match assistance blew the whistle for full time, time for some cheap Navy refreshments before the mighty All Blacks did the business later on that night.

Dick of the day  - Don't think we had one!!
 
Player of the Day - Choppa who was celebrating his fiftieth..........game that is!!

ps. That reminds me, not only did the All Blacks do the business, the Maulers on Sunday took their favourite offspring off to Delta Force  and plastered their  arses literally with paintballs on the assasins versus bodyguards course!!  Ahh, it's good to be a dad when you get a chance to smack them legally!!
13 August Presidents Rally Day vs KKK - Loss 20 something - 5
    Lets get ready to rumble, ding ding......need I say more!!!

Dick of the day  - Craig for replenishing his thirst  with a lovely Lion Red quart, from the exclusive quarts club supply of which he is not a member!!
 
Player of the Day - Did we have one?


 27 August vs Air New Zealand Jumbos - Loss 30 something - 20 something
    Lost the shield to the mighty Jumbos who played a great game, especially their skinny back (skinnier than me even) whom the boys nicknamed "butterchicken"!!!  As it was another loss and I wasn't playing, I'm gonna be a slacker on the game description.

Dick of the day  - Clarky, the only captain in Mauler history to empty the trophy cabinet!!
 
Player of the Day - Luigi, who was staying at Deano's on an Italian student exchange, loves his rugby and scored a great try

11 September vs Milwaukee Harlequins - Win Many - not so many
    9/11, a very emotional day for many Americans, and when far away from home what could be better than to get  all your aggression settled on the field of dreams against the mighty maulers.  After the very fine weather for the RWC opener, the weather gods decided to provide a more sombre wet but calm day on the number 3 field.
    A minutes silence led to kickoff, and the Harlequins let us know they weren't here to make up numbers as they powered over for the first try  from some slick back play.  We eventually wore the opposition out over time with jetlag and more likely a good night on the turps before play taking its toll.  Our forwards started to dominate with some great raids downfield,  swapping the pill from one slow popo to another till eventually some back with more speed would take over to score.  Although PC did show us that his days as a back are coming to a grinding halt as his legs turned to concrete on a 40m trot to almost the line!  Of course everyone was trying to line up the left winger as this opposition player had great looking legs, beautiful eyes and boobies (not as big as some of our frontrower manboobs mind)!!  And Sooley, when has the opposition player of the day (Sarah was her name) ever had to hold the dick of the day, I'm sure that tradition is given to our beautiful supporters...
    The day finished with a great spread in the clubrooms, the star spangled banner rang out pre Yanks vs Ireland game, and a good night had by all

Dick of the day  - Clarky, to remind him over the summer months of his pathetic trophy winning run in 2011
 
Player of the Day - Clarkyfor ending the losing streak today.